Tag: mental-health

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Ravishing Rose Blog Intersectional Identity A Quest for Healing Power Bicycles

Redefining Social Power:

Why Introverts Might Be the Most Connected People You Know

Introversion is often misunderstood as the trait of someone that solely recharges alone. This is actually only part of the story. Introvert leaning folks also thrive in certain types of social settings.

The Cloak the Mind Makes

There are lots of backstories for introversion — some of it is simply how we were born — but there are also additional factors that can lead to feeling safer in specific environments. As a trauma therapist, I am inclined to focus on these.

A lingering symptom of trauma is the sense that we are broken, ruined, or “not ok” and these types of feelings can lead to a felt experience of isolation. Combine that with a deeply divided society, a sensitivity to over-stimulation, and/or a chronic illness and it can sometimes feel almost impossible to make friends.

I have spent a lifetime combating my own sense of isolation — and I say “sense” with deep intention, because it is a story that my mind will spin regardless of the actuality of my reality. The more honest I have been able to be with myself about who I am, the more I am able to recognize isolation webs as a protective cloak that my mind fabricated a long time ago to keep me safe and cozy when my internal alarm bells are ringing.

This is the story of what I’ve learned in order to hang the cloak in the closet — or at least take it to the laundrymat for a wash.

The Morning Ride

My peak socializing energy is definitely in the morning or during the day and the perfect setting for me is a quiet and comfortable space. Being outdoors is a plus — sunshine or rain I am a bicycle fanatic and I will enjoy my time on two wheels with whomever is willing to join me.

I realized recently, after experiencing some FOMO around missing an interesting evening event, that I was discounting this type of socialization because in my mind, evening socialization is the most “valid” kind of social experience. Catching myself perpetuating this storyline helped me pull a thread from that cloak.

The next morning, after the aforementioned FOMO, I got up early for a ride with a friend who’s also been feeling some social isolation, and we connected over this very topic. We connected. We rode our bicycles in the sunshine, along the water and spoke about our shared experience of the world. What noisy, overstimulating, chaotic evening outing could replace that?

We Are Not Alone in Our Aloneness

Another common trap that I find myself tangled within is the story that everyone else already has the friends they want. Good/bad news: I have lots of evidence that there are plenty of people out there dreaming of deeper connection.

When we are feeling isolated, we are likely to become more attuned to noticing folks that are in connection — so that we can silently shame ourselves for our own shortcomings. The reality is that if we turn our gaze even slightly to the right we might notice someone else longingly gazing at that very same connection we are coveting.

Living with Chronic Illness

Adding a chronic illness to the menagerie of life makes things even more exciting. The illness itself may or may not respond to treatment and we may or may not have the means/energy/ability to manage it at any given point in time and life. We are at the will of this force that we coexist with.

Living with a chronic illness means that my social life has been more creative than conventional. At times I grieve the things I might be doing if I was well enough — but once the clouds clear, I realize how it has helped me focus on the relationships that matter to me. I put the energy I have into helping these buds blossom and ultimately I feel more satisfied and loved than ever before. Performance is less of an option and that isn’t necessarily a loss.

The practical upshot of all of this, for me, has been learning to extend the same flexibility to my social self that I have slowly learned to extend to my body. That means saying yes to the morning ride and no to the evening event — without the accompanying shame spiral.

It means being honest with people I trust about what I can and cannot do, and noticing — with some surprise — that this very honesty tends to bring people closer rather than push them away. It means recognizing that a two hour conversation on a porch is not a consolation prize for a night out. It is, for me, the whole point.

If any of this resonates, I want you to know that the cloak is not a character flaw. It was stiched with care, by a younger version of you who needed it. The work is not about getting rid of it entirely — it is about learning when you are wearing it out of habit rather than necessity, and having the courage to hang it up long enough to let someone in.

The friends are out there. Some of them are drinking tea in the morning sunshine right now, wondering the same things you are, hoping someone will show up for a sic ride.

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A Quest for Healing Power Ravishing Rose Blog

The Power Imbalance of Giving & Receiving

I have to start with Martin & Dalzen’s (2021) Wheel of Consent when I talk about giving and receiving because it highlights the vulnerability and energetic structure of being in different roles of interpersonal exchange. This became apparent to me when I noticed a pattern of women positioning themselves in a relationship towards me as being the giver of care, advice, or mentorship without that being an agreed dynamic. I recognize these behaviours, as much as I have a reaction to judge them, and see them in myself (something I don’t want to look at) as part of a socialized way to feel in control of a situation.

I love being in control. And I, sometimes, recognize it’s illusion: Being ‘better than’ others, having something to offer, feeling of value in a dynamic. I just listened to a recent podcast by Tara Brach about the drive to feel inferior or superior. She has some interesting exercises to reprogram your brain around disconnection and isolation. The positioning of myself as a “giver of care” without fee for exchange (as in a work setting), allows me to feel superior because my health, the measurement at hand, is being communicated as if I were in better condition that the caregivee.

I recognize the urge as my ego and I negotiate who’s in charge. I’ve also learned in past year that, if I catch my ego, it can be a choice on my part as to whether or not to engage in this power struggle. Someone may try to position themselves and if my ego takes over I can physically feel this power struggle in my body, but when I am aware of myself and don’t allow the reactionary action/word/energy to dominate, then I can disengage and remain on an even playing field with the other being.

This is hard in our interpersonal interactions, there’s a lot going on. So I wonder about Brach’s take as she navigates negotiating this power dynamic with other energetic beings such as plants and animals. Our ‘natural setting’ as humans is to dominate these relationships, animals and nature are often domesticated to our habits. What would happen if we simply acknowledge and honour the ways in which our cat takes up space in ways we don’t prefer or a tree root destroys our sewer system? We don’t have to like it, but we can notice that this is how we live in harmony with one another.

It is my desire to grow into being on this earth in a way that honours my surrounding beings. We are all of the same atoms, the same stardust and, I believe, essentially seeking the same harmony of existence. What relationships come to mind for you when you think about this?

Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash

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A Quest for Healing Ravishing Rose Blog

When the Mind Wanders Off Leash: The Fantasizing Mind

A handful of recent experiences have led me to reflect upon my relationship to fantasy. You know when a theme keeps popping up in different areas of your life? Time to pay attention? The act of fantasizing is such an interesting exercise and generally considered to be a positive, exploratory or sexy activity, though also considered mysterious and sometimes even dangerous. When we fantasize we might be using our imagination to create future goals for ourselves but we also might be trying to escape whatever discomfort we are experiencing in the moment. Fantasy can be realistic or fantastical, it can be something we truly want or perhaps, and we might not recognize this, it remains pleasant only in confines of our mind. The mind is a truly creative place and a tool that we share across oceans, languages and cultures.

There are a few ways in which I have come to notice fantasy getting the better of me. The first one is believing that a situation or relationship would only be better if this or that were different. If only my friend/boss/partner were a slightly different person, if only we related in this other specific way. This is a trap. They will, very likely, never become that person and this habit of discontent is something that has deeper meaning within me rather than the individual in question.

A second way I’ve noticed fantasy popping up is a little more sadistic. I will fantasize a particular future outcome or vengence if I am in conflict with someone. It has more of a stonewalling or emotional torture type of flavor for me. I caught myself doing this last week with my one of my partners and realized that it was helping me cope with the discomfort of being in conflict. I also recognized that the chances of me following through on this fantasy that took place hours later was pretty slim. The chances of me still being angry about something small after a whole day apart was pretty unlikely.

Finally, the one you’ve been waiting for, using fantasy to explore sexuality. I can’t help but think about the ethics of consent when I think about others sexually cause that’s how I roll. How would this person feel about being a part of my fantasy world? Sometimes we know because we are already in relationship with the person and we can ask directly. There are other times when it’s someone we don’t have a connection with, we might fantasize about them regularly, and it could possibly disrupt a potential connection because, after a certain point, we can have trouble separating fact from fiction.

While fantasy can be fun, relieving and an essential part of creativity, there are ways in which it can wander beyond what aids us in living the life that we hope for ourselves. It is my desire that by identifying the ways in which it might go awry, I can catch myself and start to utilize my fantastical skills for fun, exploration and the deepening of connections.

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Ravishing Rose Blog

Ethical Unicorn Hunting

Catchy title, am I right? This popped into my head as a concept as I was starting to explore multiple sides of unicorndom at the same time. In true nerd fashion, I brought this topic to my polyamory group and clumsily tried to weave it into the topic which was about building community.

So hear me out! Cause I’m pretty good at weaving ideas together. What I got most out of the conversation was that the language of unicorn ‘hunting’ is that it incites a certain type of loss of ethics in a way. An object to kill and potentially hang the head of its carcass on your wall. An ultimate objectification! So the term isn’t really instilling any confidence in the community that there are ethics involved.

If one were to use it within the context of a relationship, it could be a fun, kinky kind of objectification. But really, who even decided that this was the term? Everyone recognizes it and if you can think of a better one please post it in the comments! I asked AI and some of my favorite synonyms provided were: triad recruiting, seeking a guest star, and couple’s threesome quest.

My theory, and yes I told you we would get there, is that the moniker ‘unicorn hunting’ is a way to further divide an already divided minority. The anti-thesis to community. How do we deal with oppression? Oppress others! It’s the Great Equalizer. By recognizing this as a societal norm I can release the shame attached to and can identify the ways in which I might be discriminating against others to cope. Is propagating the term ‘unicorn hunting’ part of my own participation?

It is my desire to be intentional with the language I use and recognize the ways in which I may be stepping on tiny, and not so tiny, delicate plants that are growing around me if I am not.

Image sourced from Paper Craft World

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Intersectional Identity Power Ravishing Rose Blog

Power and the 12 Steps

Recently, it became clear to me that I needed to write a post about how power is shared in the 12 step community because, at times, it is one of the more non-hierarchical spaces that I’ve experienced. It continues to feel difficult to write about power. My educated guess it that I have been socialized not to analyze it so as not to question those who hold it, myself included! There is also a discouragement within the program not to question why it works. Are these related? I do know that the sharing of power is tricky and there is no guaranteed method, only approximations.

If you’re not super familiar with the world of recovery, I encourage you to read the full version 12 traditions in tandem with my breakdown. The link is to AA’s website, but these traditions carry over to all 12 step programs. This document is basically a guide to help individual meetings make decisions around how to operate. Within this guide, there are several references to how they have achieved what approximates a non-hierarchical system.

Here’s a list of these elements as I understand them:

  1. Common welfare comes first. The health of the group is a Priority and ensuring it both takes into account the individual’s perspective which can be shared at the business meeting as well as a collective conscious, which is used at various times. The existence of monthly business meetings is a surprisingly nuanced aspect of the program.
  2. God (or the faith moniker of your choosing, sometimes broken down as Good Orderly Direction) is the only authority. The important piece here is that part of being in recovery is discovering your personal experience of faith and that is a personal journey so the word ‘God’ is a placeholder. While extremely important, the constrictions/power dynamics of the Christianity of the program are for another article.
  3. The only requirement to be here is a shared purpose. What is more uniting, leveling, than a shared goal? In any conflict, using a shared intention or goal can be a navigational light.
  4. Each group is autonomous. Despite there being larger governing bodies, called districts, here is a recognition that only so many guidelines can be applicable to everyone and there is space created for folks to be collectively creative in individual group settings.
  5. Similar to #3, reiterated the shared purpose.
  6. An A.A. group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the A.A. name… Addresses money and the power that it carries. Through guiding members of the program not to invest financially in anything outside of recovery in connection to it, this guideline protects members from having power struggles over how funds are spent. Please refer to my Money as Power post for more discussion.
  7. Similar to #6 containing the complications of power that money brings.
  8. AA should remain non-professional. Addressing the power that comes with being considered an expert of some kind.
  9. We may create service boards that are directly responsible to those we serve. The accountability to all members of the group is clearly outlined. Whether or not this is upheld may vary.
  10. AA has no opinion on outside issues. This prevents members from having to align with particular political or social issues that could create an imbalance of power and potentially result in segregation of the group which may take away from tradition #1.
  11. Attraction rather than promotion. It is against guidelines to advertise outside of the fellowship. The idea is that those in relationship with members of recovery those that need it will witness the benefits and organically make a decision if it might be a fit for them. We are, hopefully, not trying to dominate others with our recovery. The exception here being that there are mandates within our legal system that sometimes require individuals to attend.
  12. Principles before personalities. This is one of my favorite traditions. To me this has meant being welcoming and tolerant of everyone so that the experience of cliques and hierarchical social systems is as limited as possible. It allows us to examine our own personal biases and the way we respond to different people. This does not mean tolerating harm.

It is my desire that these guidelines allow for another peek and perspective into the way power is navigated in what has grown into a fairly large and prevalent community over the last 95 years. While not perfect, progress not perfection, there is a lot to be learned about wielding power from how this community operates. Within each individual meeting, you may even find some nuanced lil nuggets, including those addressing the hierarchy of christianity.

Photo by Ashley Batz on Unsplash

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A Quest for Healing Ravishing Rose Blog

Trauma Play

The concept of trauma play was central to my final project during my counseling masters. To some extent, I don’t even know how I arrived on the subject considering I wasn’t aware of this topic until I began to write about it. When it comes up most folx ask me, ‘What is it?’.

For this, I will refer to one of the academic articles I referenced in my capstone by Jeremy Thomas’ entitled BDSM as Trauma Play: An Authoethnographic Investigation. Unfortunately it’s not open source but I have linked the abstract. Thomas opens the article discussing the research around the resilience and strengths of BDSM practitioners, and shares the research that has debunked the myth that kinky folx are any more traumatized than the average demographic.

Thomas goes on to educate us that the origins of trauma play come from play therapy, used with children to process events where language would fall short. Furthermore, he delineates that his definition is specific to personal trauma rather than collective or cultural trauma (that’s a topic for another post). The official definition landing at: “…BDSM activities that adults consensually engage in that are related to past trauma or abuse and fo which the individual is actively aware of this connection.”

What I like about this definition is that it requires not only consent of all the participants involved in this type of play, but consent of the individual with themselves about the choice to take an active role in their healing. Active in that they are an agent of healing, but also active in that they are physically taking action. I am certain that, even for adults, some things cannot be processed by verbal conversation alone and need some creativity and additional approaches. The most common example being purposefully recreating a scene in which the individual was formerly traumatized and experiencing it anew which the proper safeguards to ensure that it does not cause re-traumatization. Here’s a link to my academic blog if you have yet to hear the term ‘aftercare‘ and you’re feeling curious.

Now Thomas has an interesting approach in that, in the article, he revisits his trauma through the experience, and spectacle, of being flogged rather than recreating a unique roleplay scene. The experience of being flogged publicly allows him to safely revisit a former trauma. This demonstrates that there are many ways to go about trauma play. It is PLAY after all. Thomas highlights the ‘somatic reclamation’ he experiences through his play.

The second question I get is, ‘What does a therapist have to do with this type of work?’ Through therapy we can assist with the creation and processing of these experiences to ensure they are as safe as possible. Ethically we do not participate directly in a scene, but we can help flesh out important elements of the creation through discussion and maybe even brief role play if it would be helpful. Additionally, the experience of a scene goes beyond the actual event and there is lots of space to process the work an individual has done to engage in this kind of play.

Trauma play is not for everyone and it’s also not for every kinky person. Kinksters have a variety of reasons and lack of reasons for engaging in their particular pleasures. Like everything, you will know if it’s something that you are drawn to, curious about, want to research further. It is my desire that you have your own journey when healing trauma and that the concept of ‘trauma play’ might open your mind to the possibilities.

Image provided by www.freepik.com

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Intersectional Identity Power Ravishing Rose Blog

Money as Power

One of the most complex issues that unites humans globally is the concept of money, which makes it even more interesting that it can feel like an off limits topic and often causes quite a bit of conflict in relationships. A lawyer friend said to me recently that people will talk about anything before they want to discuss their finances. In contrast, this beautiful man as well as my business coach spoke transparently about their finances to help educate others on how to navigate starting their own businesses. The first link is about starting a private practice. They both gave us the gift of their vulnerability to help destigmatize monetary conversations and I feel inspired as a result.

This concept of giving feels not only central to my understanding of social justice, but to my experience of the world. I love to give to others, it brings me joy to be able to help someone else out when I am able to. But, there are times where we might not have the resources to give. If we are depressed and have little energy it might even feel that we have nothing to give even to ourselves. This is how I have been feeling of late. Depressed as a result of not having the financial resources to meet my family’s basic needs. As a result, I’ve been having something of a spiritual awakening.

Being in the receiving position can feel excruciating: needing help, asking for help, and even getting what I ask for can be the hardest of all. It comes back to power though doesn’t it? We are in a position of power when we are giving. When we are the one’s receiving, it is a form of submission.

I used to consider myself a submissive person, I was quiet, shy and I enjoyed listening rather than speaking, especially in my formative years. Identifying as a female during this time also furthered my understanding of myself as submissive, the best females were demure and anticipated the needs of others right? It’s only recently that I’ve started to understand and embrace the ways in which I actually have a tendency towards dominance. In fact, perhaps my desire to listen to others rather than share put me in a dominant position. Central to my practice as a therapist is understanding how to balance the power dynamic of holding a client’s information with respect from a position of power due to them not knowing nearly as much about myself.

Part of what balances this power dynamic between therapist and client is money. The client is the provider of financial resource in exchange for the vault and other skills that a therapist provides. One of the most obvious forms of social justice that has occurred to much of the therapy community is providing financially accessible counselling through offering a sliding scale or engaging in some pro-bono work. In my research I have found that the majority of therapists dedicate about 25% of their case load to sliding scale clients.

Recently, my business coach (clearly I’m still fan-girling) broke down the psychology and practicalness of offering a sliding scale in her own business. She experimented by both under and over charging for her services and used this data and her personal budget to calculate the range in which she could afford to charge for her services. The result is that, when people need financial assistance, she negotiates her fees by asking, “What would feel generous, but not cause harm?” Her own harm being caused by charging less than what she has identified as her lower limit.

It is my desire, through this article and generally, to continue to demystify the conversation of money through my own vulnerability, honesty and the practice of actively taking on a submissive role to not only ask for help, but receive the help that is offered to me. May we lean into our own pleasure by accepting the generosity around us and sharing the extra.

Photo by John McArthur on Unsplash

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Power Ravishing Rose Blog

Mentorship

Acknowledgements: Mark Smith, Sharon Glassburn LMFT, Emily Ely Creative

When I was writing my big masters project, I learned about this organization called The Community Academic Consortium for research on Alternative Sexualities (called C.A.R.A.S. by the locals). I love the word ‘consortium’! Writing this behemoth of a paper was really a community effort, not something I could have done on my own. A kinky partnership of mine provided some mentorship and we essentially wrote it together, shout out to Mark!

While I was perusing the C.A.R.A.S. virtual rooms of wisdom, I discovered they had a mentorship program where various professionals could obtain peer support. I applied a year or so later and was matched with a private practice therapist, Sharon Glassburn, that worked within the same community subset that I was interested in (queer, kinky, enm).

Being in community with Sharon has been an immeasurable support while I think about what I’m doing with my maters degree. I used to think it was ‘therapist’ or ‘not therapist’, but being in the thick of being a therapist allows you a more nuanced picture. Having someone to hold you up that’s as thoughtful and compassionate as Sharon when you don’t know how things are going to shake out, and you can’t yet afford to pay someone to lead you, is a gift from the Goddess.

Sharon has taken me on a journey of her own community and a number of folks that she is connected to have made time to talk to me and guide me. I even found a therapist for my husband through this network. Sharon also led me to another really impactful humans that I’ve been in community with at this time: Emily Eley. I’m a total fan girl in NRE right now so pardon my gush!

Emily provides anti-capitalist business coaching and is transparent and vulnerable about her life in her workspace. This type of dynamic makes me feel like I can take my armor off and want to join the conversation. Finances are scary and working with her makes me feel like I’m in a knitting circle slowly taking over the world.

I haven’t been able to pay much for her services and I am inspired and grateful for her explanations of how she makes that work in real time. Financial accessibility is a tricky topic with nuanced psychology. It feels really good to write about her so that I might give back in some way that I have resources at the moment.

Please spread the word about this beautiful people:

Mark Smith

Sharon Glassburn, LMFT

Emily Eley

Photo by Prateek Katyal on Unsplash

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A Quest for Healing Ravishing Rose Blog

How can talk therapy be somatic (of the body)?

In my own exploration of the self, I have noticed there can sometimes be a disconnect between my mind’s desires and my body’s desires. My mind might say, ‘all is well today let’s keep on keeping on‘ and in the same moment my body will be shrieking that there is a terrible problem that needs rectifying. This can happen in reverse as well. Through the process of trying to understand and harmonize the two, I came across the term somatic to describe the act of harmonizing the mind and the body. This sometimes looks like exercising the mind to connect with the body. Due to my own success with it, my counseling practice makes use of these themes.

But, how does talking elicit bodily sensation? In fact, a therapist can help orient you towards your body’s sensations in conversation and support you in becoming aware of and interpreting your body and her messages. Through the use of exercises to promote bodily awareness and discussion of the results of this work, we can help to develop a shared language through which your body and mind understand one another. This doesn’t mean we can necessarily always control one with the other, but there are ways we can use this knowledge to influence how we feel or perceive.

Sometimes this type of talk therapy can be enough to achieved desired outcomes and folks can move through places they are feeling stuck mentally. Others might find that this type of therapy is a good start and that something even more physical could take them a step further in their restorative journey. There are modalities like dance therapy, music therapy, and art therapy that can help us understand some of those parts of us that aren’t able or ready to be verbal.

At the end of the day, it works if you work it and you will get as much out of therapy as you feel ready to put into it. My desire is to consider the healing journey as one of joy, play and sorrow. Feeling deeply all of the things that this life has to offer. All of them temporary and delicate.

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A Quest for Healing Ravishing Rose Blog

What is therapy?

Therapy is depicted in a variety of ways in a media context that may lend itself to a confusing idea of what it’s meant to be. Additional, over time therapy has evolved. You might be familiar with the traditional Freudian version and imagine yourself lying on a couch with a therapist sitting out of sight behind you, listening quietly while you speak about your follies. These days therapy is much more dynamic and can be conducted on the phone, the computer, in a dance studio or even on a bicycle in some cases. After the plague, online options became more available and continue to thrive. This is particularly important to those who live in rural areas or for folks who are looking for specific qualities in a therapist that they have yet to find within their geographic region.

There are all kinds of specialties and types of therapy that are offered, but the majority of therapy is considered ‘talk therapy’ where a licensed, or in some cases unlicensed, therapist offers their professionally trained listening skills in exchange for an agreed upon fee. Many therapists offer a free 15-20 minute consultation so that clients can get a sense of their style and personality and they can both assess whether it might be a good fit.

Some of you might wonder, ‘What does a good fit mean?’. This means that you feel a sense of comfortability when interacting with the therapist that allows you to share as honestly and authentically as you are able about what’s bringing you to therapy. Therapy can be a vulnerable endeavour and is most effective when there is good rapport built between therapist and client.

This is not to say that you won’t be uncomfortable at times during therapy, as you might put yourself outside of your comfort zone in order to make change. You might even feel certain feelings of frustration, attraction, or friendship with your therapist at times due to the nature of the work. In my own experience as a client, I have found that bringing these feelings up to my therapist will often help me navigate them, learn something about myself and determine if it continues to be a good fit for me.

At the end of the day, you are the only one that can know if this is the therapy for you or if this is the right time to give it a go. Booking a consultation can sometimes help clarify these questions for you. You might even notice some increased motivation towards your goals simply by having an appointment on the calendar. As I navigate my own personal work in therapy, I desire to be gentle with myself because I know it is sensitive and vulnerable even just to show up and I trust that I am doing my best just for today.

Image by lifeforstock on Freepik