Tag: therapy

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A Quest for Healing Ravishing Rose Blog

When the Mind Wanders Off Leash: The Fantasizing Mind

A handful of recent experiences have led me to reflect upon my relationship to fantasy. You know when a theme keeps popping up in different areas of your life? Time to pay attention? The act of fantasizing is such an interesting exercise and generally considered to be a positive, exploratory or sexy activity, though also considered mysterious and sometimes even dangerous. When we fantasize we might be using our imagination to create future goals for ourselves but we also might be trying to escape whatever discomfort we are experiencing in the moment. Fantasy can be realistic or fantastical, it can be something we truly want or perhaps, and we might not recognize this, it remains pleasant only in confines of our mind. The mind is a truly creative place and a tool that we share across oceans, languages and cultures.

There are a few ways in which I have come to notice fantasy getting the better of me. The first one is believing that a situation or relationship would only be better if this or that were different. If only my friend/boss/partner were a slightly different person, if only we related in this other specific way. This is a trap. They will, very likely, never become that person and this habit of discontent is something that has deeper meaning within me rather than the individual in question.

A second way I’ve noticed fantasy popping up is a little more sadistic. I will fantasize a particular future outcome or vengence if I am in conflict with someone. It has more of a stonewalling or emotional torture type of flavor for me. I caught myself doing this last week with my one of my partners and realized that it was helping me cope with the discomfort of being in conflict. I also recognized that the chances of me following through on this fantasy that took place hours later was pretty slim. The chances of me still being angry about something small after a whole day apart was pretty unlikely.

Finally, the one you’ve been waiting for, using fantasy to explore sexuality. I can’t help but think about the ethics of consent when I think about others sexually cause that’s how I roll. How would this person feel about being a part of my fantasy world? Sometimes we know because we are already in relationship with the person and we can ask directly. There are other times when it’s someone we don’t have a connection with, we might fantasize about them regularly, and it could possibly disrupt a potential connection because, after a certain point, we can have trouble separating fact from fiction.

While fantasy can be fun, relieving and an essential part of creativity, there are ways in which it can wander beyond what aids us in living the life that we hope for ourselves. It is my desire that by identifying the ways in which it might go awry, I can catch myself and start to utilize my fantastical skills for fun, exploration and the deepening of connections.

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A Quest for Healing Ravishing Rose Blog

Trauma Play

The concept of trauma play was central to my final project during my counseling masters. To some extent, I don’t even know how I arrived on the subject considering I wasn’t aware of this topic until I began to write about it. When it comes up most folx ask me, ‘What is it?’.

For this, I will refer to one of the academic articles I referenced in my capstone by Jeremy Thomas’ entitled BDSM as Trauma Play: An Authoethnographic Investigation. Unfortunately it’s not open source but I have linked the abstract. Thomas opens the article discussing the research around the resilience and strengths of BDSM practitioners, and shares the research that has debunked the myth that kinky folx are any more traumatized than the average demographic.

Thomas goes on to educate us that the origins of trauma play come from play therapy, used with children to process events where language would fall short. Furthermore, he delineates that his definition is specific to personal trauma rather than collective or cultural trauma (that’s a topic for another post). The official definition landing at: “…BDSM activities that adults consensually engage in that are related to past trauma or abuse and fo which the individual is actively aware of this connection.”

What I like about this definition is that it requires not only consent of all the participants involved in this type of play, but consent of the individual with themselves about the choice to take an active role in their healing. Active in that they are an agent of healing, but also active in that they are physically taking action. I am certain that, even for adults, some things cannot be processed by verbal conversation alone and need some creativity and additional approaches. The most common example being purposefully recreating a scene in which the individual was formerly traumatized and experiencing it anew which the proper safeguards to ensure that it does not cause re-traumatization. Here’s a link to my academic blog if you have yet to hear the term ‘aftercare‘ and you’re feeling curious.

Now Thomas has an interesting approach in that, in the article, he revisits his trauma through the experience, and spectacle, of being flogged rather than recreating a unique roleplay scene. The experience of being flogged publicly allows him to safely revisit a former trauma. This demonstrates that there are many ways to go about trauma play. It is PLAY after all. Thomas highlights the ‘somatic reclamation’ he experiences through his play.

The second question I get is, ‘What does a therapist have to do with this type of work?’ Through therapy we can assist with the creation and processing of these experiences to ensure they are as safe as possible. Ethically we do not participate directly in a scene, but we can help flesh out important elements of the creation through discussion and maybe even brief role play if it would be helpful. Additionally, the experience of a scene goes beyond the actual event and there is lots of space to process the work an individual has done to engage in this kind of play.

Trauma play is not for everyone and it’s also not for every kinky person. Kinksters have a variety of reasons and lack of reasons for engaging in their particular pleasures. Like everything, you will know if it’s something that you are drawn to, curious about, want to research further. It is my desire that you have your own journey when healing trauma and that the concept of ‘trauma play’ might open your mind to the possibilities.

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Intersectional Identity Power Ravishing Rose Blog

Money as Power

One of the most complex issues that unites humans globally is the concept of money, which makes it even more interesting that it can feel like an off limits topic and often causes quite a bit of conflict in relationships. A lawyer friend said to me recently that people will talk about anything before they want to discuss their finances. In contrast, this beautiful man as well as my business coach spoke transparently about their finances to help educate others on how to navigate starting their own businesses. The first link is about starting a private practice. They both gave us the gift of their vulnerability to help destigmatize monetary conversations and I feel inspired as a result.

This concept of giving feels not only central to my understanding of social justice, but to my experience of the world. I love to give to others, it brings me joy to be able to help someone else out when I am able to. But, there are times where we might not have the resources to give. If we are depressed and have little energy it might even feel that we have nothing to give even to ourselves. This is how I have been feeling of late. Depressed as a result of not having the financial resources to meet my family’s basic needs. As a result, I’ve been having something of a spiritual awakening.

Being in the receiving position can feel excruciating: needing help, asking for help, and even getting what I ask for can be the hardest of all. It comes back to power though doesn’t it? We are in a position of power when we are giving. When we are the one’s receiving, it is a form of submission.

I used to consider myself a submissive person, I was quiet, shy and I enjoyed listening rather than speaking, especially in my formative years. Identifying as a female during this time also furthered my understanding of myself as submissive, the best females were demure and anticipated the needs of others right? It’s only recently that I’ve started to understand and embrace the ways in which I actually have a tendency towards dominance. In fact, perhaps my desire to listen to others rather than share put me in a dominant position. Central to my practice as a therapist is understanding how to balance the power dynamic of holding a client’s information with respect from a position of power due to them not knowing nearly as much about myself.

Part of what balances this power dynamic between therapist and client is money. The client is the provider of financial resource in exchange for the vault and other skills that a therapist provides. One of the most obvious forms of social justice that has occurred to much of the therapy community is providing financially accessible counselling through offering a sliding scale or engaging in some pro-bono work. In my research I have found that the majority of therapists dedicate about 25% of their case load to sliding scale clients.

Recently, my business coach (clearly I’m still fan-girling) broke down the psychology and practicalness of offering a sliding scale in her own business. She experimented by both under and over charging for her services and used this data and her personal budget to calculate the range in which she could afford to charge for her services. The result is that, when people need financial assistance, she negotiates her fees by asking, “What would feel generous, but not cause harm?” Her own harm being caused by charging less than what she has identified as her lower limit.

It is my desire, through this article and generally, to continue to demystify the conversation of money through my own vulnerability, honesty and the practice of actively taking on a submissive role to not only ask for help, but receive the help that is offered to me. May we lean into our own pleasure by accepting the generosity around us and sharing the extra.

Photo by John McArthur on Unsplash

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Power Ravishing Rose Blog

Mentorship

Acknowledgements: Mark Smith, Sharon Glassburn LMFT, Emily Ely Creative

When I was writing my big masters project, I learned about this organization called The Community Academic Consortium for research on Alternative Sexualities (called C.A.R.A.S. by the locals). I love the word ‘consortium’! Writing this behemoth of a paper was really a community effort, not something I could have done on my own. A kinky partnership of mine provided some mentorship and we essentially wrote it together, shout out to Mark!

While I was perusing the C.A.R.A.S. virtual rooms of wisdom, I discovered they had a mentorship program where various professionals could obtain peer support. I applied a year or so later and was matched with a private practice therapist, Sharon Glassburn, that worked within the same community subset that I was interested in (queer, kinky, enm).

Being in community with Sharon has been an immeasurable support while I think about what I’m doing with my maters degree. I used to think it was ‘therapist’ or ‘not therapist’, but being in the thick of being a therapist allows you a more nuanced picture. Having someone to hold you up that’s as thoughtful and compassionate as Sharon when you don’t know how things are going to shake out, and you can’t yet afford to pay someone to lead you, is a gift from the Goddess.

Sharon has taken me on a journey of her own community and a number of folks that she is connected to have made time to talk to me and guide me. I even found a therapist for my husband through this network. Sharon also led me to another really impactful humans that I’ve been in community with at this time: Emily Eley. I’m a total fan girl in NRE right now so pardon my gush!

Emily provides anti-capitalist business coaching and is transparent and vulnerable about her life in her workspace. This type of dynamic makes me feel like I can take my armor off and want to join the conversation. Finances are scary and working with her makes me feel like I’m in a knitting circle slowly taking over the world.

I haven’t been able to pay much for her services and I am inspired and grateful for her explanations of how she makes that work in real time. Financial accessibility is a tricky topic with nuanced psychology. It feels really good to write about her so that I might give back in some way that I have resources at the moment.

Please spread the word about this beautiful people:

Mark Smith

Sharon Glassburn, LMFT

Emily Eley

Photo by Prateek Katyal on Unsplash

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A Quest for Healing Ravishing Rose Blog

How can talk therapy be somatic (of the body)?

In my own exploration of the self, I have noticed there can sometimes be a disconnect between my mind’s desires and my body’s desires. My mind might say, ‘all is well today let’s keep on keeping on‘ and in the same moment my body will be shrieking that there is a terrible problem that needs rectifying. This can happen in reverse as well. Through the process of trying to understand and harmonize the two, I came across the term somatic to describe the act of harmonizing the mind and the body. This sometimes looks like exercising the mind to connect with the body. Due to my own success with it, my counseling practice makes use of these themes.

But, how does talking elicit bodily sensation? In fact, a therapist can help orient you towards your body’s sensations in conversation and support you in becoming aware of and interpreting your body and her messages. Through the use of exercises to promote bodily awareness and discussion of the results of this work, we can help to develop a shared language through which your body and mind understand one another. This doesn’t mean we can necessarily always control one with the other, but there are ways we can use this knowledge to influence how we feel or perceive.

Sometimes this type of talk therapy can be enough to achieved desired outcomes and folks can move through places they are feeling stuck mentally. Others might find that this type of therapy is a good start and that something even more physical could take them a step further in their restorative journey. There are modalities like dance therapy, music therapy, and art therapy that can help us understand some of those parts of us that aren’t able or ready to be verbal.

At the end of the day, it works if you work it and you will get as much out of therapy as you feel ready to put into it. My desire is to consider the healing journey as one of joy, play and sorrow. Feeling deeply all of the things that this life has to offer. All of them temporary and delicate.

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A Quest for Healing Ravishing Rose Blog

What is therapy?

Therapy is depicted in a variety of ways in a media context that may lend itself to a confusing idea of what it’s meant to be. Additional, over time therapy has evolved. You might be familiar with the traditional Freudian version and imagine yourself lying on a couch with a therapist sitting out of sight behind you, listening quietly while you speak about your follies. These days therapy is much more dynamic and can be conducted on the phone, the computer, in a dance studio or even on a bicycle in some cases. After the plague, online options became more available and continue to thrive. This is particularly important to those who live in rural areas or for folks who are looking for specific qualities in a therapist that they have yet to find within their geographic region.

There are all kinds of specialties and types of therapy that are offered, but the majority of therapy is considered ‘talk therapy’ where a licensed, or in some cases unlicensed, therapist offers their professionally trained listening skills in exchange for an agreed upon fee. Many therapists offer a free 15-20 minute consultation so that clients can get a sense of their style and personality and they can both assess whether it might be a good fit.

Some of you might wonder, ‘What does a good fit mean?’. This means that you feel a sense of comfortability when interacting with the therapist that allows you to share as honestly and authentically as you are able about what’s bringing you to therapy. Therapy can be a vulnerable endeavour and is most effective when there is good rapport built between therapist and client.

This is not to say that you won’t be uncomfortable at times during therapy, as you might put yourself outside of your comfort zone in order to make change. You might even feel certain feelings of frustration, attraction, or friendship with your therapist at times due to the nature of the work. In my own experience as a client, I have found that bringing these feelings up to my therapist will often help me navigate them, learn something about myself and determine if it continues to be a good fit for me.

At the end of the day, you are the only one that can know if this is the therapy for you or if this is the right time to give it a go. Booking a consultation can sometimes help clarify these questions for you. You might even notice some increased motivation towards your goals simply by having an appointment on the calendar. As I navigate my own personal work in therapy, I desire to be gentle with myself because I know it is sensitive and vulnerable even just to show up and I trust that I am doing my best just for today.

Image by lifeforstock on Freepik

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Power Ravishing Rose Blog

Exploring Power Dynamics: A Series

Mentor/Mentee, Master/Subordinate, Sponsor/Sponsee, Therapist/Client

I started this series as a single blog post and then after I released it, I felt a sense of incompleteness. So I wrote a second post and then it became a two part series. Then recently I remembered how overwhelmed I was when I wrote my capstone project for my masters. The idea of writing an enormous paper based on several other papers was intimidating. So I started  a blog and began writing pieces of it, one at a time. I really wanted to explore power dynamics more directly in my capstone, but the topic had to be narrowed down in order to make it manageable. I remain curious about power dynamics and it feels fairly impossible to filter them down into one cohesive article. Here’s part one of many:

Part I:

All relationships contain a power dynamic of some kind. Sometimes it’s heavily negotiated, often we come with preconceptions of what is expected of us, or society might have instructed us on how this label of relationship is meant to ‘look’. I’m grateful to have experienced both sides of various intentional power dynamics which can minimize, but doesn’t necessarily negate, the experience of a power struggle.

One example is when a sponsee of mine and I discussed expectations when we started working together as sponsee and sponsor. It felt somewhat awkward and difficult to pinpoint and articulate exactly what each of our expectations were. I had a sponsor several years earlier, who appeared very clear around what she expected of me and we made adjustments as we went along. It was early on in my recovery and I was looking for that power structure of someone telling me what to do. Now I have a more collaborative style which lends itself to less clear cut rules and more negotiated agreement.

With my current sponsee, at my request, we also talked about what the difference between a sponsor and a therapist. My training as a therapist indicates that the focus is on the client’s experience and my own story is discussed only in a limited way. It is more appropriate for me to share about my personal struggles with fellows in recovery. Sometimes my sponsee holds space for my overwhelm, but with a focus on centering her goals for recovery in our work. When I am paid for a therapeutic exchange, I vigorously anchor the client’s experience in session as a trade for funds. These funds represent the energy and expertise I put forth by focusing on their experience almost entirely for a negotiated period of time.

Like I said before, breaking down these power dynamics can feel awkward and clunky at first. We want to leave behind a compare and despair attitude as no dynamic we have witnessed or experienced before is a perfect mirror for the one we might be encountering in this moment, though our brains might try to convince us otherwise for simplicity sake. As I come to better understand power, the desire I hold is that I not only know how to identify and ask for what I need or want, but to know if I’m available to receive it as well.

Image sourced through: <a href=”https://www.vecteezy.com/free-photos/lightning”>Lightning Stock photos by Vecteezy</a>