Category: Power

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A Quest for Healing Power Ravishing Rose Blog

The Power Imbalance of Giving & Receiving

I have to start with Martin & Dalzen’s (2021) Wheel of Consent when I talk about giving and receiving because it highlights the vulnerability and energetic structure of being in different roles of interpersonal exchange. This became apparent to me when I noticed a pattern of women positioning themselves in a relationship towards me as being the giver of care, advice, or mentorship without that being an agreed dynamic. I recognize these behaviours, as much as I have a reaction to judge them, and see them in myself (something I don’t want to look at) as part of a socialized way to feel in control of a situation.

I love being in control. And I, sometimes, recognize it’s illusion: Being ‘better than’ others, having something to offer, feeling of value in a dynamic. I just listened to a recent podcast by Tara Brach about the drive to feel inferior or superior. She has some interesting exercises to reprogram your brain around disconnection and isolation. The positioning of myself as a “giver of care” without fee for exchange (as in a work setting), allows me to feel superior because my health, the measurement at hand, is being communicated as if I were in better condition that the caregivee.

I recognize the urge as my ego and I negotiate who’s in charge. I’ve also learned in past year that, if I catch my ego, it can be a choice on my part as to whether or not to engage in this power struggle. Someone may try to position themselves and if my ego takes over I can physically feel this power struggle in my body, but when I am aware of myself and don’t allow the reactionary action/word/energy to dominate, then I can disengage and remain on an even playing field with the other being.

This is hard in our interpersonal interactions, there’s a lot going on. So I wonder about Brach’s take as she navigates negotiating this power dynamic with other energetic beings such as plants and animals. Our ‘natural setting’ as humans is to dominate these relationships, animals and nature are often domesticated to our habits. What would happen if we simply acknowledge and honour the ways in which our cat takes up space in ways we don’t prefer or a tree root destroys our sewer system? We don’t have to like it, but we can notice that this is how we live in harmony with one another.

It is my desire to grow into being on this earth in a way that honours my surrounding beings. We are all of the same atoms, the same stardust and, I believe, essentially seeking the same harmony of existence. What relationships come to mind for you when you think about this?

Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash

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Intersectional Identity Power Ravishing Rose Blog

On Hierarchy in Intimate Poly Relationships

We’re talking romantic here, though another piece on friendships would be interesting too. My brain already considered a sub-series of power dynamics about hierarchy before I opened the laptop. It’s important to keep in mind that I don’t believe that relationships can be non-hierarchal. I believe we can strive for equality, but if we ignore the ways in which equality can’t (or intentionally does not) exist then power doesn’t cease to exist.

I go through periods where I immerse myself in short videos of other people’s worlds around the world and so this is what I gathered from my online poly community. Hierarchy is in the way we negotiate finances and how it can impact how much money you spend on a date with another partner. Hierarchy is living together and having down time to chat about other partners, the hierarchy of having more knowledge of others. The hierarchy of knowing a partner longer than another partner. The hierarchy of marriage, having kiddos, sharing property.

None of these are set in stone. We’re a collection of identities that both provide and take away privileges and shift. Consider being a passing trans white man, you have gone from a white woman to what most people will assume is a white man. In some ways, this is an enormous privilege leap while still having been socialized as a woman and retaining that history as well as mental health struggles that can result both from having experienced significant dysmorphia about your body as well as very real fears of being the target of violence politically and in your immediate neighbourhood. Consider being a white cis man that marries this individual, now you are in a queer relationship. How does that impact the way in which you hold power? What situations might result in the experience of more or less power and how might that impact your behaviour?

Power is nuanced, invisible and morphing. There are ways in which it is obvious by a role you are in, think boss/employee or further CEO and entry level employee, and situations in which power might shift depending on the setting you are in despite your relationship to another person. Power is not inherently bad, though many make this conclusion. We are not trying to rid the world of power but more so wield it wisely. It is my desire that we take the time to recognize the ways in which we hold power and use it in ways that align with our values to lift one another up, instead of fearfully taking them down. What are some nuanced ways in which power shows up in your relationship(s)?

Photo by Abed Ismail on Unsplash

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Intersectional Identity Power Ravishing Rose Blog

Power and the 12 Steps

Recently, it became clear to me that I needed to write a post about how power is shared in the 12 step community because, at times, it is one of the more non-hierarchical spaces that I’ve experienced. It feels continues to feel difficult to write about power. My educated guess it that I have been socialized not to analyze it so as not to question those who hold it, myself included! There is also a discouragement within the program not to question why it works. Are these related? I do know that the sharing of power is tricky and there is no guaranteed method, only approximations.

If you’re not super familiar with the world of recovery, I encourage you to read the full version 12 traditions in tandem with my breakdown. The link is to AA’s website, but these traditions carry over to all 12 step programs. This document is basically a guide to help individual meetings make decisions around how to operate. Within this guide, there are several references to how they have achieved what approximates a non-hierarchical system.

Here’s a list of these elements as I understand them:

  1. Common welfare comes first. The health of the group is a Priority.
  2. God (or the faith moniker of your choosing) is the only authority. The important piece here is that part of being in recovery is discovering your personal experience of faith and that is a personal journey so the word ‘God’ is a placeholder. (The constrictions/power dynamics of the Christianity of the program are for another conversations ; )
  3. The only requirement to be here is a shared purpose. What is more uniting, leveling, than a shared goal?
  4. Each group is autonomous. There is a recognition that only so many guidelines can be applicable to everyone and there is space created for folks to be collectively creative in individual group settings.
  5. Similar to #3, reiterated the shared purpose.
  6. Addresses money and the power that it carries. Through guiding members of the program not to invest financially in anything outside of recovery in connection to it, this guideline protects members from having power struggles over how funds are spent. Please refer to my Money as Power post for more discussion.
  7. Similar to #6 containing the complications of power that money brings.
  8. AA should remain non-professional. Addressing the power that comes with being considered an expert of some kind.
  9. We may create service boards that are directly responsible to those we serve. The accountability to all members of the group is clearly outlined. Whether or not this is upheld may vary.
  10. AA has no opinion on outside issues. This prevents members from having to align with particular political or social issues that could create an imbalance of power and potentially result in segregation of the group which may take away from tradition #1.
  11. Attraction rather than promotion. It is against guidelines to advertise outside of the fellowship. The idea is that those in relationship with members of recovery will witness the benefits and organically make a decision if it might be a fit for them. We are, hopefully, not trying to dominate others with our recovery. The exception here being that there are mandates within our legal system that sometimes require individuals to attend.
  12. Principles before personalities. This is one of my favorite traditions. To me this has meant being welcoming and tolerant of everyone so that the experience of cliques and hierarchical social systems is as limited as possible.

It is my desire that these guidelines allow for another peek and perspective into the way power is navigated in what has grown into a fairly large and prevalent community over the last 95 years. While not perfect, progress not perfection, there is a lot to be learned about wielding power from how this community operates. Within each individual meeting, you may even find some nuanced lil nuggets, including those addressing the hierarchy of christianity.

Photo by Ashley Batz on Unsplash

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Intersectional Identity Power Ravishing Rose Blog

Money as Power

One of the most complex issues that unites humans globally is the concept of money, which makes it even more interesting that it can feel like an off limits topic and often causes quite a bit of conflict in relationships. A lawyer friend said to me recently that people will talk about anything before they want to discuss their finances. In contrast, this beautiful man as well as my business coach spoke transparently about their finances to help educate others on how to navigate starting their own businesses. The first link is about starting a private practice. They both gave us the gift of their vulnerability to help destigmatize monetary conversations and I feel inspired as a result.

This concept of giving feels not only central to my understanding of social justice, but to my experience of the world. I love to give to others, it brings me joy to be able to help someone else out when I am able to. But, there are times where we might not have the resources to give. If we are depressed and have little energy it might even feel that we have nothing to give even to ourselves. This is how I have been feeling of late. Depressed as a result of not having the financial resources to meet my family’s basic needs. As a result, I’ve been having something of a spiritual awakening.

Being in the receiving position can feel excruciating: needing help, asking for help, and even getting what I ask for can be the hardest of all. It comes back to power though doesn’t it? We are in a position of power when we are giving. When we are the one’s receiving, it is a form of submission.

I used to consider myself a submissive person, I was quiet, shy and I enjoyed listening rather than speaking, especially in my formative years. Identifying as a female during this time also furthered my understanding of myself as submissive, the best females were demure and anticipated the needs of others right? It’s only recently that I’ve started to understand and embrace the ways in which I actually have a tendency towards dominance. In fact, perhaps my desire to listen to others rather than share put me in a dominant position. Central to my practice as a therapist is understanding how to balance the power dynamic of holding a client’s information with respect from a position of power due to them not knowing nearly as much about myself.

Part of what balances this power dynamic between therapist and client is money. The client is the provider of financial resource in exchange for the vault and other skills that a therapist provides. One of the most obvious forms of social justice that has occurred to much of the therapy community is providing financially accessible counselling through offering a sliding scale or engaging in some pro-bono work. In my research I have found that the majority of therapists dedicate about 25% of their case load to sliding scale clients.

Recently, my business coach (clearly I’m still fan-girling) broke down the psychology and practicalness of offering a sliding scale in her own business. She experimented by both under and over charging for her services and used this data and her personal budget to calculate the range in which she could afford to charge for her services. The result is that, when people need financial assistance, she negotiates her fees by asking, “What would feel generous, but not cause harm?” Her own harm being caused by charging less than what she has identified as her lower limit.

It is my desire, through this article and generally, to continue to demystify the conversation of money through my own vulnerability, honesty and the practice of actively taking on a submissive role to not only ask for help, but receive the help that is offered to me. May we lean into our own pleasure by accepting the generosity around us and sharing the extra.

Photo by John McArthur on Unsplash

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Power Ravishing Rose Blog

Mentorship

Acknowledgements: Mark Smith, Sharon Glassburn LMFT, Emily Ely Creative

When I was writing my big masters project, I learned about this organization called The Community Academic Consortium for research on Alternative Sexualities (called C.A.R.A.S. by the locals). I love the word ‘consortium’! Writing this behemoth of a paper was really a community effort, not something I could have done on my own. A kinky partnership of mine provided some mentorship and we essentially wrote it together, shout out to Mark!

While I was perusing the C.A.R.A.S. virtual rooms of wisdom, I discovered they had a mentorship program where various professionals could obtain peer support. I applied a year or so later and was matched with a private practice therapist, Sharon Glassburn, that worked within the same community subset that I was interested in (queer, kinky, enm).

Being in community with Sharon has been an immeasurable support while I think about what I’m doing with my maters degree. I used to think it was ‘therapist’ or ‘not therapist’, but being in the thick of being a therapist allows you a more nuanced picture. Having someone to hold you up that’s as thoughtful and compassionate as Sharon when you don’t know how things are going to shake out, and you can’t yet afford to pay someone to lead you, is a gift from the Goddess.

Sharon has taken me on a journey of her own community and a number of folks that she is connected to have made time to talk to me and guide me. I even found a therapist for my husband through this network. Sharon also led me to another really impactful humans that I’ve been in community with at this time: Emily Eley. I’m a total fan girl in NRE right now so pardon my gush!

Emily provides anti-capitalist business coaching and is transparent and vulnerable about her life in her workspace. This type of dynamic makes me feel like I can take my armor off and want to join the conversation. Finances are scary and working with her makes me feel like I’m in a knitting circle slowly taking over the world.

I haven’t been able to pay much for her services and I am inspired and grateful for her explanations of how she makes that work in real time. Financial accessibility is a tricky topic with nuanced psychology. It feels really good to write about her so that I might give back in some way that I have resources at the moment.

Please spread the word about this beautiful people:

Mark Smith

Sharon Glassburn, LMFT

Emily Eley

Photo by Prateek Katyal on Unsplash

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Power Ravishing Rose Blog

(defined) Power Relationships (defined): Part ll

Mentor/Mentee, Dom/Sub, Boss/Worker Bee, Therapist/Client

In my last post on Power Relationships, I described some of the differences between a type of mentorship and talk therapy. The topic of power dynamics is one that could be discussed for hours. Relational dynamics are highly nuanced and certain elements of them can sometimes feel impossible to pin down in conversation. I would not describe myself an expert on the topic, but more of a seeker of knowledge.

I want to share a bit about what I learned from my experience engaging in power play relationships. The terms dominant and submissive or master and slave are some of the more common power play dynamics that you might encounter in a kinky context. These types of relationship are often highly negotiated and unlikely to be engaged in 24/7, but more likely will be used in the context of a scene.

A scene is an experience that one or more people try to create together. If you were a witness to a scene where the individuals involved were playing dominant and submissive roles, you might notice that one individual in the experience appears to be more powerful or in a position of being in control and the other might be the recipient of orders or a flogging. Despite what might appear to be true to your eyes, the submissive member of the experience has as much if not more power in the exchange than the dominant. It is possible or even likely that the submissive has made specific requests for how the scene will play out and the dominant may be following previously relayed instructions.

This is one of the more interesting ways of thinking about or discussing power because it give a clear example of some of the nuances of how it can work. Often, when folks are first starting out in these types of intentional power dynamics, we have limited knowledge of what we are doing, how things are supposed to play out, or even what we truly want from the situation.

In my experience, there are lot of welcoming community members willing to share their knowledge and experience. If you are in a larger city you can look up a Munch, which is a social for folks who identify as kinky. These types of gatherings also exist online. You might also connect with others who are curious or knowledgeable through social media such as Fetlife or dating apps like Feeld or Hinge.

It can be clunky and sometimes awkward trying anything new, but power dynamics exist within our lives whether we have agreed to them, or not. It can be interesting and fun to engage in a way that brings more awareness to our experience of these human exchanges. It can also be frustrating and even triggering when things don’t go as expected.

Power dynamics exist in all relationships, but in a kinky context we can sometimes bring more awareness to how this energy is wielded. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but if you have a curiosity it doesn’t hurt to learn more and give it a try. First things first, there are lots of resources and a welcoming community of like minded others to talk to about these interests. I desire to continue learning about and understanding what role power plays in interpersonal exchanges.

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Power Ravishing Rose Blog

Exploring Power Dynamics: A Series

Mentor/Mentee, Master/Subordinate, Sponsor/Sponsee, Therapist/Client

I started this series as a single blog post and then after I released it, I felt a sense of incompleteness. So I wrote a second post and then it became a two part series. Then recently I remembered how overwhelmed I was when I wrote my capstone project for my masters. The idea of writing an enormous paper based on several other papers was intimidating. So I started  a blog and began writing pieces of it, one at a time. I really wanted to explore power dynamics more directly in my capstone, but the topic had to be narrowed down in order to make it manageable. I remain curious about power dynamics and it feels fairly impossible to filter them down into one cohesive article. Here’s part one of many:

Part I:

All relationships contain a power dynamic of some kind. Sometimes it’s heavily negotiated, often we come with preconceptions of what is expected of us, or society might have instructed us on how this label of relationship is meant to ‘look’. I’m grateful to have experienced both sides of various intentional power dynamics which can minimize, but doesn’t necessarily negate, the experience of a power struggle.

One example is when a sponsee of mine and I discussed expectations when we started working together as sponsee and sponsor. It felt somewhat awkward and difficult to pinpoint and articulate exactly what each of our expectations were. I had a sponsor several years earlier, who appeared very clear around what she expected of me and we made adjustments as we went along. It was early on in my recovery and I was looking for that power structure of someone telling me what to do. Now I have a more collaborative style which lends itself to less clear cut rules and more negotiated agreement.

With my current sponsee, at my request, we also talked about what the difference between a sponsor and a therapist. My training as a therapist indicates that the focus is on the client’s experience and my own story is discussed only in a limited way. It is more appropriate for me to share about my personal struggles with fellows in recovery. Sometimes my sponsee holds space for my overwhelm, but with a focus on centering her goals for recovery in our work. When I am paid for a therapeutic exchange, I vigorously anchor the client’s experience in session as a trade for funds. These funds represent the energy and expertise I put forth by focusing on their experience almost entirely for a negotiated period of time.

Like I said before, breaking down these power dynamics can feel awkward and clunky at first. We want to leave behind a compare and despair attitude as no dynamic we have witnessed or experienced before is a perfect mirror for the one we might be encountering in this moment, though our brains might try to convince us otherwise for simplicity sake. As I come to better understand power, the desire I hold is that I not only know how to identify and ask for what I need or want, but to know if I’m available to receive it as well.

Image sourced through: <a href=”https://www.vecteezy.com/free-photos/lightning”>Lightning Stock photos by Vecteezy</a>