We’re talking romantic here, though another piece on friendships would be interesting too. My brain already considered a sub-series of power dynamics about hierarchy before I opened the laptop. It’s important to keep in mind that I don’t believe that relationships can be non-hierarchal. I believe we can strive for equality, but if we ignore the ways in which equality can’t (or intentionally does not) exist then power doesn’t cease to exist.
I go through periods where I immerse myself in short videos of other people’s worlds around the world and so this is what I gathered from my online poly community. Hierarchy is in the way we negotiate finances and how it can impact how much money you spend on a date with another partner. Hierarchy is living together and having down time to chat about other partners, the hierarchy of having more knowledge of others. The hierarchy of knowing a partner longer than another partner. The hierarchy of marriage, having kiddos, sharing property.
None of these are set in stone. We’re a collection of identities that both provide and take away privileges and shift. Consider being a passing trans white man, you have gone from a white woman to what most people will assume is a white man. In some ways, this is an enormous privilege leap while still having been socialized as a woman and retaining that history as well as mental health struggles that can result both from having experienced significant dysmorphia about your body as well as very real fears of being the target of violence politically and in your immediate neighbourhood. Consider being a white cis man that marries this individual, now you are in a queer relationship. How does that impact the way in which you hold power? What situations might result in the experience of more or less power and how might that impact your behaviour?
Power is nuanced, invisible and morphing. There are ways in which it is obvious by a role you are in, think boss/employee or further CEO and entry level employee, and situations in which power might shift depending on the setting you are in despite your relationship to another person. Power is not inherently bad, though many make this conclusion. We are not trying to rid the world of power but more so wield it wisely. It is my desire that we take the time to recognize the ways in which we hold power and use it in ways that align with our values to lift one another up, instead of fearfully taking them down. What are some nuanced ways in which power shows up in your relationship(s)?
Photo by Abed Ismail on Unsplash
Heal Into Your Desires 