While there are several great resources created about the practice of ethical non-monogamy or polyamory (Polywise, by Jessica Fern & David Coolie, Multiamory, hosted by the quirky trio Emily, Dedecker & Jase) there is no one-size-fits-all guide for enacting this lifestyle. I personally consider polyamory to be an orientation, just like being bisexual, demisexual, gay. Similar to these other orientations, how any givens person’s relationships fall into a structure will be unique and change over the course of their lifespan. Sometimes the structure will highlight these orientation and there are times where it might be an invisible identity purposely or situationally.
Though it is becoming more commonplace, it can be an intimidating journey to take the step to making the choice to be poly. In fact, there is no ONE step to doing so. There’s the decision that it is something you’d like to pursue and there are several choices along the way, perhaps that never really end, about how this particular identity will continuously unfold within your relationships. This can and often includes friendships as well. There’s a great book by Rhaina Cohen called The Other Significant Others, that describes some unique relationship structures that don’t include sex as a component.
Sex is only one aspect of the world of polyamory. It’s also about challenging relationship structures that we are socialized to believe are necessary in order to ‘succeed’. Once you embrace the identity, there are a world of possibilities. Sometimes this is an exciting prospect and at times it can be very intimidating. How do we not only communicate, but identify our wants and needs well enough to be able to articulate what they are to others? How do we remain regulated in emotionally charged situations in order to ask for what we need in order to feel safe?
The reason that several people in the polyamory community say they don’t date ‘newbies’ is that figuring out how to answer some of these questions, let alone having answers, is a tumultuous process. Having each gone through it themselves, they are seasoned and would like a more peaceful and stable poly existence. Understandable! Being a newbie is like going back to teenage-dom in many ways: exciting yet volatile.
Much of what I’m sharing is from a combination of sources: personal experience, resources, and conversations with other folks. As I said at the beginning, there’s no ‘perfect’ poly people to copy. There are tools, communities, and therapists that can help guide us at sticky points in our journey. But ultimately we are curating our own concept of relationships, romance and sex and tailoring them to our self in that particular point in life. It is my desire that we give ourselves as much compassion as possible in this process. Through the highs and lows of finding what is right for you, regardless of who are what might feel influential, you are not alone.
Photo by Eric Prouzet on Unsplash
Heal Into Your Desires 