For most of my life I have identified as a she, dressed like a she, behaved as I felt a she would for better or for worse. When I entered the world of practicing counseling as volunteer in 2018, a peer of mine identified as non-binary. They were likely not the first person I met that identified as enby, but they were the most vocal. Initially I felt uncomfortable in response to their loud declarations of how their gender worked. As time went on, we became close friends, and I learned a lot about myself and about the concept of gender in the process.
A few years later, on a balmy pandemic afternoon, I borrowed the aforementioned friend’s clippers and shaved my head. It was probably the most gender-challenging change to my appearance I had engaged in at the time. It was also something I had thought about doing for a long time, I had very short hair in the past, but I wasn’t able to find the courage to go through with it. It felt freeing, and since I wasn’t around many people at the time, in particular family, I didn’t have to deal with the challenges and arduous explanations that I might have felt were required of me.
It wasn’t until a few years later and I moved to New York City, that I was ready to begin using the pronouns they/them in addition to she/her. Part of what supported me in this transition was moving into a sex positive household in Brooklyn. In this environment everyone was encouraged to explore and present however they could see fit in the moment. Roommates and guests walked around in complete drag, totally nude or in some of the hottest lingerie I’ve ever seen up close.
We had ongoing events which provided opportunities to present oneself as varying identities. After sampling some lingerie for myself, I realized it wasn’t quite what I was after and I started scouring thrift shops for something more masculine. I found a sport coat and a fedora and wore them to a New Years Eve party. I loved the way the coat felt like it was hugging me and I’ve always been fond of a nice hat and it just felt right to me. I also was one of the warmer partygoers 😛
What I learned from these experiences is that gender is a unique journey for each of us. I’ve caught flack at times for not being entirely enby and I also notice that there are many of us that chose to fall in different places on the spectrum between she and they and he. There are many invisible intersex folks who have grievously not only been labeled as a binary gender, but also physically altered with painful surgeries in order to ‘affirm’ their place in society. I mourn deeply for these folks.
I continue to experiment with my gender. Every date I go on is an opportunity to decide what kind of flirty person I feel like that day. Each trip to the thrift store isn’t bound as much by the binary sections of clothing organization, but what sizes are available that day. It is my desire to never stop exploring because gender is also not just about presentation, but about how I show up as a human being.
All the politeness and the cattiness that I have participated in as someone socialized female has got to end. It was that very politeness that made me uncomfortable when my dear friend advocated for their own identity. At that time, I was afraid of what might happen if I took up that much space.
As I said earlier, each of us has our own unique tale of gender. So what’s yours?
Heal Into Your Desires 